in defense of myself
Posted on July 5, 2008
Just a few weeks ago, I made one of the biggest decision I’ve ever made as a mother. It was a decision that I’m sure many mothers out there had to make. It was a decision that made my heart break into a million pieces. Looking back, it was a decision that was necessary and I hope the decision I made was what God wanted me to do.
I’ve officially left the ranks of stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs). Not that I was a 100% SAHM in the first place but I barely considered my 10-month stint as a part-time teacher a job. Nevertheless, I’m a 100% hands-on mom. Even Ramil, despite having a regular, full-time job, was a hands-on dad. Even before I gave birth, I knew I wanted to be the one taking care of my baby. When I gave birth last January 2007, it was natural for me not to go back to teaching anymore. It was just Mateo and me for five months. No yaya. No grandparents. No relatives.
The next schoolyear brought me out of being a full-time SAHM. I decided to try teaching part-time, not really for the money (though we need money too) but because I felt that I needed to go out of the house from time to time. So for 10 months, Mateo will be left with the yaya for three hours from Mondays to Thursdays. It was perfect for us. I get to do everything for him as a mama and yet I still get to enjoy what I like doing, teaching.
This year I was bent on teaching part-time again. However, a lot of math teachers from last year left and I was given a load that’s appropriate for a full-time teacher. Unlike last time when I would just be asked to report to school during times when I have classes, this year the principal asked five hours a day from me and was actually trying to persuade me to go full-time. Since five hours is a considerably long time, Ramil stepped in and told me to just choose between going full-time or staying at home altogether. Rather than a five-hour part-time work, might as well stay an additional three hours everyday and get the benefits of a full-time teacher if I decide to keep working. So we worked something out with the school. We’re allowed to bring Mateo and the yaya. Ramil and I have ’shifting’ schedules - he starts real early and goes home early too while I start a bit late and goes home late too. That way, we get to limit Mateo’s time in school.
I prayed hard for it and tried to consider a lot of things. I ended up saying yes to a full-time teaching job. The day Ramil and I gave our answer was a day I think I will remember for a long time. I cried buckets that night and for many nights after. I wanted to go back and take back what I said. I cried for my time with Mateo that will be lost. I cried for all the things that I will not be able to do for him. I cried for all the things that I will not be able to teach him. It was a total guilt-trip, not to mention a not-so-mild case of separation anxiety. I kept asking Ramil whether we made the right decision or not. I asked him whether Mateo will be able to understand in his own way why everything has to change. Why I will not be able to spend time with him like I used to. Why he has to stay with somebody he doesn’t really know yet. Why we won’t get to do things like we used to.
If I was able to find somebody to handle my teaching load, I would have swallowed my pride and decency and quit as fast as I could. But I think it God wanted me to stay put because no replacement appeared no matter how hard I prayed. The whole thing from the dilemma to the way I felt about it might be too melodramatic for some people but if you’re a mother like me, you’d know what I mean.
There were only three things that will make me feel that we didn’t make a mistake with our decision. These are Mateo’s health, development, and behavior. Unfortunately, after a week of going to school with us, his amoebiasis recurred. It was good that Ramil and I were able to act quickly so he only had diarrhea for two days. He’s still undergoing medication right now but he’s on his way to total recovery. We only hope that this time, we totally eliminate the amoeba. One thing that I think won’t suffer is his development. He still gets to interact with a lot of people so his mind is also continually stimulated. He’s also been given permission to sit-in with the toddler class so he’d surely learn a lot of things. I’m also particularly concerned with his behavior. Mateo has a tendency to be strongheaded and I’m afraid that if I lessen my presence then I lessen my authority too. So far, I haven’t seen anything that would indicate that he’s negatively affected with the arrangements we’ve made. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Right now, I’m just letting go and letting God. I’m a believer of karma too and I believe that taking good care of my other kids (my students) and loving them would make sure that Mateo gets the same from his yaya and from other people around him. I know he understands. I actually tried explaining it to him even before I committed to a full-time job. Everything is going great right now, we’re very lucky to find a yaya who’s good with him. I still get that guilty feeling every now and then though, I just need to remember that Ramil and I are doing as much as we can right now.
So is this post in defense of myself? To myself, yes. I just have to read this again when guilt strikes.
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celebrating our centennial
Posted on July 5, 2008
Ramil and I will be celebrating our centennial monthsary on Monday, July 7. It’s been 100 months since we officially became boyfriend-girlfriend. Ever since we had Mateo, we don’t really celebrate our monthsaries anymore. However, we wanted to make an exception for our 100th month. Since we won’t be able to celebrate our centennial anniversary anyway because we’ll both be long dead by then, might as well take the next best 100th.
To commemorate the day we committed to each other, Ramil and I have started a new blog. We already have our respective blogs and we thought of starting a new one, a shared one. Hopefully, we get to update it more often than our own blogs.
Despite our plans to make an exception for our 100th monthsary, a dinner at Vieux Chalet is enough for us. It’s already such a treat considering that we barely had any real date with Mateo around. So on Monday, we’ll leave Mateo with his yaya and my sister. I’m thinking of planning something more but I have to see if we could still afford it. Haha!
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pass it on
Posted on July 4, 2008
My mom has a supplementary credit card from me. I gave her one when she couldn’t get her own credit card. For the longest time, what she would do is to pay me whenever the bill comes. For the past few months though, she’d pay only the minimum so that her balance is now bigger than usual. I told her that I could apply it for balance transfer so that she wouldn’t have to pay a high interest rate. I’m just waiting for her to give her go signal so that I could apply for it. At least that would free up my credit limit a little 
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new lappy for me
Posted on June 30, 2008
I am so excited because my dad will be giving me his barely a year old laptop. Some might wonder why I’m getting all excited over a laptop that’s not new at all. My current laptop is actually better in terms of its processor, computer memory, and even harddisk. What I’m excited about is that his old laptop is one of those small, 12-inch laptops. It’s something that I’ve actually been wishing for. Just the chance to have a working laptop that’s small, light, and really easy to carry is such a pleasure for me 
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new business
Posted on June 26, 2008
My friend recently decided to put up a small business. He decided to set-up a small computer shop in their neighborhood. He’s researched quite a bit on it and he studied the market really well before plunging into it. Since he’s knowledgeable in computers, getting some used cisco and computer parts. It helped cut-down his startup costs. It’s only been a few weeks since he opened his shop but the earnings are decent enough according to him. I hope his business endeavor turns out to be really successful.
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need a payday loan?
Posted on June 24, 2008
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off to a good start, hopefully
Posted on June 23, 2008
We’re now entering the second week of school and already, we missed a day because of typhoon Frank. I would have expected myself to be ecstatic about it. Even though I was grateful for the extra day that Ramil and I get to stay home and spend more time with Mateo, I was surprisingly a little bit pissed off because it would delay my schedule. I would lose precious meetings with my classes which means my lessons would be delayed by at least a day. Since I’m still pretty much on time with my preparations (read:a week ahead), the OC in me got frustrated over not being able to keep up with the academic budget I’ve set.
I’m off to a good start this school year. Still not as great as I would want it to be but good enough especially since we’ve got a spanking, newly-constructed, air-conditioned teachers’ lounge. My little pleasures as a teacher are my own personal space and an air-conditioned place I could stay in during breaks. Certainly puts me in a good disposition. Everything looks nice now in our lounge, everyone has their own cubicle and despite some CAT6 cables scattered here and there, the place is pretty much organized.
On another note, it’s such a relief that Mateo and the new yaya are getting along great. Sometimes too great, much to my dismay. I guess it’s just the jealous mama in me, which I’m trying to squish by the way. Mateo would definitely be better off if they fall in love with each other. They’re now certified playmates and sometimes, Mateo would call out her name as if asking to be saved whenever Ramil and I are berating him for some naughty deed. He’s also adjusting well to being in school everyday. It’s good that out of his 5-6 hours stay in school, 2 hours is spent on nap time. Also, his social skills are now superb. He’d willingly say hi even to students he doesn’t even know. It’s also great for him to always be surrounded by teachers. I am so grateful for our co-teachers, they also make it a point to converse with him and check on him whenever they see him around school. I’d even often catch some of them teaching him things and some tricks.
So yes, after weeks of terrible adjustment, we’re all okay now (I think). I’m optismistic about the next few weeks and months ahead. I just need to remember to keep my thoughts and actions positive.
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wanna-be-policeman
Posted on June 22, 2008
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still here
Posted on June 19, 2008
Classes has officially started last Friday. Tomorrow will mark the end of the first week of classes and I am still alive, thank you. Mateo, on the other hand, had cough for more than a week. He’s been very choosy with his food lately. He’d prefer to socialize with the many people around him. I’m really hoping that things get easier the next few weeks, once we get used to our school routine. In two weeks, teh preschool department will also be starting their classes and I think Mateo will be more than happy with that since he’s been granted permission to sit-in on classes from time to time. I still have a ton of paperwork to do for submission tomorrow, it feels like a gold chain is slowly tightening around my neck. I can’t afford to be lax in my work since my time with Mateo si what’s going to suffer. I think I’m going to need a lot of energy in the next ten months.
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another baby
Posted on June 14, 2008
Not for me and Ramil! A friend of mine recently announced that she’s pregnant again. Although it made me reflect on when we’re planning to have another one too, it’s just not for us right now. I’m excited for my friend though. Other friends are planning a baby shower for her and I might be asked for help with the baby shower invitations. They already have a son and they are hoping for a girl. They’ll find out the gender of the baby this week and then we might be able to schedule the baby shower finally.
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